Bloody_Malaises's Xanga

Incomplete

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 19:33:07 GMT

I'm still in shock from everything. My heart feels numb and my face red and feverish from crying so much. Me and Chriz are no longer together. Nor do I think we'll ever get back together again. It was a lot of stupid and petty things that just added up to a fever pitch and within a flash it was all over. I say I do not regret anything, but my body betrays my words. My heart feels heavy and my chest hurts. When I'm alone I can't stop crying. When people ask me if I'm ok I lie and say I'm fine. I am not. My very soul misses his voice and touch. I feel like I will never feel the sun's warmth again and it will always be winter in my heart. He was the one and I let him go, now my love story will forever be incomplete.

I went by for the last time today to collect the little things I had there, and the way he looked at me when I came in hurt me so much. As if I was a stranger to him, some random person who just happen to be stopping by. I have never felt such displacement in my life and it took all the strength I had not to break down and cry right there. He doesn't love me or want me anymore, I have to face the consequences of my own actions and accept this. I had something wonderful and I crashed it into the ground. Now I'm sitting alone in my room crying to my laptop as I type this.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 01:56:42 GMT

Happy Birthday Emily!!!

I love yoou!! So does Christopher Walken!

I hope you have a great birthday, even though I wont be there for most of it cuz I'm afraid of getting locked out... =( I hope you have fun and feel loved, because you are!! Very, very much so!

You are the sweetest, most kind-hearted , self-less person I will probably ever have the honor of knowing. Thank you for being such a damn good friend when other people still treated you like shit. You deserve a million pounds of fluffy cuteness and love. I love you so much!!!

I'm Moving!!

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 01:33:18 GMT

Hello my fellow Xangans! For all those who have been following my blogging (which i dont think is too many) I am moving! I'm no longer going to blog with xanga, I've had fun ranting and raving here!

I have created my own blog with WordPress and Badcrab.com.

I'm blogging and displaying my art there.

Thank you for everyone for your support and love! If you feel curious check out my artwork!

Pumpkin and Oldspice

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 14:26:57 GMT

It's amazing how things can change so suddenly. One minute I'm a freshman in high school, the next I'm graduating college. Time certainly has been relentless with me, never ceasing or giving me a moment to catch my breath. I'm always shocked at how fast things happen. I have one more year left in college. I am more than ready to let out that big sigh of relief when I can proudly display my B.A. degree on my wall. I'd be the second person in two generations of my family to graduate from college, so this means something special to me. I worked very hard to put myself through college, and now I can finally reap the benefits.

I wonder where do I go from here, I've been looking for internships, part-time jobs. and the like, but nothing seems to fit my hectic schedule at the moment. Once I graduate, I'm most likely going to find a full-time job, save up enough so I can buy a nice little apartment or house, and get married to my long-time sweetheart. That's definitely my ideal for the future. Nothing too extravagant or expensive. I'm a simple girl, and all I want is a quiet simple life in New York. I know I'm already being unrealistic, as life has its ways of knotting itself into undoable twists and tangles, but can't a girl dream? Grad school is another possibility, but I'd rather not think about it after already spending 18 years of my life in school. Maybe later on when I'm more situated.

I look back and I can't help but be terribly grateful for all the friends I have and have had because without them my life would really be empty and boring. Also for those who taught me that hate is just a waste of perfectly good energy. (What am I talking about? I have no enemies! =D) I'm grateful for my family for always backing me up when I needed it and lastly I am grateful to my fiancé, who gives me the courage and the love to do things I never would have thought were possible.

I wake up every morning and thank whatever higher power there is watching over this small galaxy that I have a man who loves me as much as he does. He has been through a lot and yet he still has patience for my foolishness and rediculous optimism, he still tries to make me laugh, and most of all he still says "Cat, I love you so much" everyday. Whenever he really hugs me I just want to cry, because I'm just so happy to be in his arms.

I have never been loved so unconditionally before, I want to give him every part of my heart and soul in return for all the kindness and love he has ever given to me. Even after all the time we've been together he still gives me butterflies in my stomach and I still get shivers down my spine when he kisses me. I can honestly say I love this man, and I truly want to spend the rest of my life with him. I never thought pumpkin and Oldspice could be such a flawless combination.

P.S. I wear pumpkin lotion and Chriz wears Oldspice, so that's why it's titled the way it is.

Beach Frolicks!!!

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 07:51:54 GMT

So last week I went to Coney Island to celebrate Andy's birthday. (Happy birthday Andy!! =D) Despite the threat of rain we still managed to have some fun!

We all dined on Nathan's. I haven't had a Nathan's hotdog in such a long long time. It was amazingly good. Mmmmmmmm~! After snacking we set up camp at the beach. Andy, being the brainiest of us all, brought beach blankets so we wouldn't get sand on our butts. Even though I wasn't really dressed for the beach I still ran around in the sand.

After much fun and frolick, we started building a sand castle. After the moat was destroyed we gave up and began digging to China. We said 'hi' to Daniel's relatives, then buried Emily in the reminants of the hole. Emily was so shocked, that she sprouted a fin and turned into a mermaid! We all danced around her in a circle, singing and smiling. Then we collected shells to adorn her beautiful new fin with, and we all cheered and took a picture!

Upstate Frolicks!!

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 01:15:36 GMT

So this weekend I went upstate with Emily, her mommy and Danny. We went to a little town called Gloversville, which is somewhere in Aiderondack Park. Despite the evil mosquitoes biting me all over my bum and face I still had a fun time. I would have pictures... but being the fool that I am, I dropped my camera into a rushing creek and lost all my pictures and my camera. Alas!

It's okay though. It was an old decrepit digital camera (I got it free with my Dell) and it will give me an excuse to buy the digi-cam that I really want. ::smirks::
Hopefully, I won't destroy it like my last... as it will probably cost me a very pretty penny.

Anyhoos, I had fun. I got to run around a giant field just like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music, and I got to play with Cujo, Emily's adorable doggy. I saw a deer, an otter, a family of geese, Daniel's bed-head three times, and more insects than I would have liked to see in my entire life. I got to hike up a mountain, see the Milky Way galaxy from Earth, see every star in the sky, eat BBQ almost everyday(yum!), go tromping through the woods and feed lil' fishies in a pond. And most of all I got to hang out with people I haven't seen in forever!! I missed them so!!

Emily, I love you and thanks for the fun time! Dan, next time make sure to bring the hair gel and the bug spray! =D

P.S. Hopefully, I can get some pictures from the trip out of Danny. It really was a beautiful surreal place. When I do, I'll post them up!

Scared, Unsure and Still Happy

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 17:18:51 GMT

Something inside me isn't sitting right. I feel as if I'm straddling the fence between who I was and who I am trying to be. I'm in a relationship now and I've never been happier, however there are times when I want to run away as fast as I can. These mood swings come without warning and I feel as if they're taking a toll on my significant other. He says he doesn't mind so much, but I know after a while he's going to wear thin of it. I find myself secretly wishing he'd just get tired of me already and leave me just like all the rest, but it hasn't happened yet. Yet.

I feel like I'm trapped in Purgatory, not quite sure what's going to happen. I've been feeling restless more than ever, just sleeping in or laying in my bed until late hours of the afternoon, not doing anything at all. Honestly, I don't know what else to do. Is this what love is? This overall feeling of melancholy. At first I was more happy than anything else, but as time continues on I find myself feeling unsure more and more. It's not his fault either, he does nothing that makes me unhappy, and he tries everything in his power to keep me happy. But I can't help how I feel. When I get like this he panics, and I don't blame him. He thinks it's his fault but it not. I try to explain that and he thinks I'm lying. It's just comes and goes like the wind, with no one at fault.

I wonder how long this is going to last. I still love him. I'll always love him, but I get this feeling like he'd be much better off not having to worry about my own stupid mood swings and insecurities. I know we all need time to ourselves and when I try and give that to him he thinks I'm trying to run away. Sometimes I do feel like it. But I would never do that. Since we've started going out I've had so many dreams of him cheating on me and leaving me out of spite for something that I did. I never know what it was that I did. I do stupid shit sometimes, so I wouldn't be surprised if this really did happen.

Once I got so overwhelmed I tried breaking it off completely. The guilt that ensued was unbearable, and we ended up back together in a matter of days. This has been going on now more frequently. He feels one thing, I feel something else and we both get frustrated trying to understand each other. I feel the only thing that we're on the same level of is the sex. Even then I don't know. To him it's something sacred and to me it's just sex. Sometimes it feels like we have sex, because it's the only way we feel closer together, and because all our other ways failed miserably. Sex is just about the only thing I know how to do right anyhow.

Love is a scary and dangerous thing. One should never treat it lightly. I still don't know what to do, I still feel bad, and yet when the day is said and done I'm happy regardless.

I Made It!!

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 02:42:17 GMT

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 04:02:31 GMT

Oh Shit! I'm a Guitar Hero!!

That's right... I got the game Guitar Hero for Xmas... Jeezy Chrizzy its sooo hot. I'm sorry Chriz, I love you so much , but I switched drums for guitar because I'm soo nice with it. My band's name is Thyristor...!! Like the disease.

Check me out...

They call me the 'Shredder' because I shred the ill riffs.

Here I'm singing to Yummy with my baby Gibson SG. He's my Number 1 fan.

And here is my back up guitarist Cristina AKA tha Chord Ninja.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, coming to you straight out of Brooklyn, the one and only Thyristor!! Catch up playing the NY circuit we air guitar with the niceness.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 14:16:51 GMT

Daniel's birthday was wonderful! Even though I couldn't stick around for long, it was great seeing everyone and seeing the shocked look on Danny' face when we gave him his Ipod.

We all love you very much Daniel, you are a great friend. I'm happy I was able to celebrate your birthday with you and contribute in making it special. I would also like to thank Emily, the person who made this entire day and the present possible! We ♥ Emily!!

What kind of Cat blog would this be if I didn't post up pictures!